Amid the chaos and noise...

It feels just like yesterday and not a moment before that I first opened up this blog, with great resolutions and determination to be able to write something into it but however with time, things that were important to me slowly faded into the background and I lost myself in the midst of all kinds of abuse. I wish I can just change all that....
I have over the period of my life hurt people who sincerely cared for me and loved me but at the heat of the moment, I never took the pain to even slightly realize that someday they will give up and wont be there...and I took things for granted my way. It was only when I lost them that I found out how sick I was and how hapless and a minute creature I was and that I made the greatest error of my life.
So here I am sick again, defeated and with no purpose and zeal in this life. I dont blame God nor anyone for I played destiny  and evoked the devil in me. It just feels blank staring at the keyboard and trying to arrange and invoke what to write next. I know I am a mess. All I can do is to dream and to dream a zillion times over and over again despite knowing the fact that it wont change things and make it the way I desire......
 HELP!!!!!!!!!!